Listening vs. Problem Solving
There is a common tendency for people, when someone is sharing a problem or concern with them, to skip the listening phase and jump to the possible solutions. Instead of listening, they rush to help the person solve the problem and identify a solution because taking the time to listen does not seem valuable or necessary. People may think listening takes too much time or that it's not valuable or necessary when the problem is so obvious and pressing—like solving environmental problems or figuring out how to alleviate unemployment and poverty. However, it's crucial to learn how to listen because listening lays the groundwork or foundation for being able to solve problems in a way that is collaborative and respectful. No one will accept your proposed solution if they don’t think that you have heard and understood their viewpoint.
This video below shows the distinction between listening and solving problems in a very humorous way. Of course, there are times when someone just needs to solve the problem and remove the nail, so to speak. But in most cases, people’s more fundamental need is to be heard. Once we feel that we’ve been heard by our family members, neighbors, co-workers, or fellow citizens—that they genuinely understand where we are coming from—then we are ready to start thinking about solutions.
Video: It's Not About The Nail (1:41)
It's just --There's all this pressure. You know? And sometimes it feels like it's right up on me. And... I can just feel it -- like literally feel it -- in my head. And it's relentless, and...I don't know if it's gonna stop. I mean, that's the thing that scares me the most, is that I don't know if it's ever gonna stop.
Yeah. Well...you do have a nail...in your head.
It is not about the nail.
Are you sure, because, I mean, I'll bet, if we got that out of there
Stop trying to fix it!
No, I'm not trying to fix it! I'm just pointing out, that maybe the nail is causing…
You always do this! You always try to fix things when I really need is for you just listen!
See, I don't think that is what you need. I think what you need is to get the nail out.
See, you're not even listening now!
OK, fine. I will listen. Fine.
It's just -- sometimes, it's -- like, there's this achy... I don't know what it is. And I'm not sleeping very well at all. And all my sweaters are snagged. I mean, all of them.
That sounds...really hard.
It is. Thank you.
Oww!!
Oh, come ON! If you would just…
DON’T!
When a listener sees something out of the ordinary or hears a trigger word, it is easy to jump to a conclusion. Here, he sees the nail but ignores her words, her tone of voice, her pleading eyes, and quickly determines the solution—get rid of the nail. He rushes to fix what to him is obvious but to her has nothing to do with what she is attempting to communicate with him. She wants him to hear and feel her emotional pain. He finally does when he says “that sounds really hard” and she melts with relief and then attempts to kiss him.