Active Listening Activity
Please take a few minutes to watch the two humorous videos below, then write a short two-minute essay.
Video: Sheldon is a Bad Listener (3:05)
Sheldon: Play, play, play, play.
Leonard: What are you doing?
Sheldon: Trying to use a Jedi mind trick to control Stephen Hawking. Play, play. Oh, he must be wearing a tinfoil hat or something.
Leonard: I did a bad thing.
Sheldon: Does it affect me?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Then suffer in silence. Play, play, play. Stephen Hawking, Stephen Hawking, Stephen Hawking.
Leonard: Penny started taking a class. She wrote a paper. She didn't want me to read it. I went behind her back, I read it anyway.
Sheldon: Stephen Hawking hates me.
Leonard: I don't know what to do. The paper's terrible. But if I tell her, she'll know that I read it and she'll get really mad.
Sheldon: I was beating him so bad he doesn't want to be friends anymore. Why does everyone love me except Stephen Hawking?
Leonard: Is it possible we're having two different conversations?
Sheldon: How would I know? I'm not listening to you.
Leonard: Okay, here's what we're gonna do, chess clock. We each get five minutes to talk about our problems. We'll take turns. Each turn will consist of a statement and a helpful response from the friend. Begin.
Sheldon: I humiliated Stephen Hawking in a game of Words with Friends. He stopped playing and now we're not friends anymore.
Leonard: He's probably busy. You're worried about nothing. Give it a couple more days. I'm sure he'll play and you'll see that everything's fine. My turn. I can't let Penny hand in a bad paper, but how do I tell her it's bad without letting her know that I read it?
Sheldon: Hmm beats me. Now I know Hawking's not busy because I can see he's playing other people right now.
Leonard: Maybe since you're so good he's taking this time to meet the challenge. I want Penny to enjoy so...
Sheldon: ([Inaudible] told me he's a big baby. I didn't know that and I played extract for 82 points. It's all Amy's fault. She told me to play it. I've got to cut her loose.
Leonard: Sheldon I wasn't done talking. She hands in the paper tomorrow. I know I could help her and she's my girlfriend, I should be allowed to help her. Why aren't I allowed to help her?
Sheldon: I hear you brother.
Leonard: You need to give me some advice.
Sheldon: Fine. Women, huh?
Leonard: Specific to my situation.
Sheldon: Blonde women, huh?
Leonard: Empathetic!
Sheldon: It sucks to be you.
Leonard: I quit!
Sheldon: Leonard. wait no, I listened to your dumb thing. Leonard, come back. Leonard, come back. Leonard, come back.
Leonard: What? Oh, of course, it only works on the weak-minded.
Video: Everybody Loves Raymond Uses Active Listening - from Parent Effectiveness Training (2:58)
Raymond: Debra, you're not going to believe this.
Debra: Why did you do this, Ally? This is terrible!
Raymond: Oh, great!
Debra: This is Michael's giraffe, he's crying. Now, why did you do this?
Ally: Cause.
Debra: Cause is not an answer!
Raymond: Active listening!
Debra: Ray that doesn't work.
Raymond: It works! I just used it on the worst kids in the neighborhood.
Debra: Would you look at this? Look at this, look what she did!
Raymond: Just try it, try it!
Debra: No, Ray.
Raymond: I'll do it! Let me do it!
Debra: no, no, no, no Okay...Ally, let's talk about what you did.
Ally: I don't want to talk.
Debra: Are you feeling angry?
Raymond: Reflect back.
Debra: You're angry.
Ally: Yes.
Debra: Okay. But it's not ok to rip up toys when we're angry.
Raymond: Ah, ah ah ...judgemental!
Debra: You are angry because...um...
Raymond: Because it used to be your toy!
Debra: Oh pff.
Ally: Yes.
Raymond: ahhhhh
Ally: I don't like Michael and Jeffrey.
Raymond: I see. I see. You think that mommy and daddy pay to much attention to Michael and Jeffrey.
Debra: Ray, Ok, I was handling this.
Ally: They get everything!
Raymond: Right! And, you're upset because we gave them your old giraffe.
Ally: I still liked it.
Debra: But you weren't playing with it!
But that doesn't matter though because it was still yours. And you're mad because we gave it to Michael without asking you, right?
Ally: Right!
Raymond: Well, ah, mommy and daddy made a mistake. And everyone makes mistakes. Right, mommy?
Debra: Yesss, yes, yes.
Raymond: You feel better now, Ally?
Ally: Yes, can I have my giraffe?
Debra: Well, it's broken honey.
Ally: I know, I want to try to fix it for Michael.
Raymond: ahahaha...Here, sweetie.
Ally: Thanks, daddy! Everybody Loves Raymond
Check Your Understanding: Two Minute Essay
Take two minutes to write a quick reflection on each of the videos above. Consider why each video was either a good example or a bad example of active listening and explain why. Keep in mind the three techniques and the guidelines presented on previous pages in this lesson. After writing your reflection, click "Check Answers" to see how yours compare.
Video #1:
In your response, you should have noted that Sheldon
- Was not focused on Leonard, the speaker
- Nonverbal cues were only about himself, i.e., no eye contact
- Dismissed Leonard’s attempt to talk because it didn’t affect him personally
- Initially did not acknowledge Leonard was even speaking and continued to sound frustrated that Leonard wanted to talk at all
- Interrupted Leonard repeatedly
- Kept taking back control of the time clock not giving Leonard time to speak
- Talked over Leonard
- Conveyed no interest in what Leonard was saying
- Did not restate Leonard’s basic concerns or paraphrase Leonard’s words; instead stated “beats me” or “I hear you brother” or “it sucks to be you”
- Did not reflect back Leonard’s basic feelings to indicate understanding
- No attempt to validate the worthiness of Leonard’s problem
- Did not use voice intonations or questions such as “Can you tell me more?” to provide encouragement for Leonard to keep talking
- Judgment: made the assumption that Leonard’s problem was simple, i.e., “blonde women”
Note that Leonard:
- States, “Is it possible we’re having two different conversations?”
- Through the use of a chess time clock, attempted to provide an avenue for each to listen to the other
- Made a sincere effort to listen and reflect back to Sheldon
- In total frustration, gives up trying to have a conversation
Video #2:
- Raymond walks into a situation where his wife is interrogating their daughter and getting nowhere and encourages her to use active listening skills
- Although she attempts, Raymond interrupts and points out that she should reflect back and not be judgmental—two important active listening skills, paraphrasing and non-judgmental
- Raymond then takes over and does the following:
- Gets down on his daughter’s level and makes direct eye contact—this demonstrates interest and full attention to her
- Demonstrates empathy by recognizing and stating to his daughter the reasons behind her feeling of anger
- Reflects that the giraffe was still special to his daughter even though she wasn’t playing with it
- Takes ownership that mommy and daddy made a mistake by not asking their daughter before giving the giraffe to Michael
- Outcome:
- The daughter wants to fix the giraffe and give it to Michael
- Following:
- Raymond:
- Acts pompous—he’s the fixer
- Is not empathic to his wife—“Don’t worry, you’ll get it.”
- Then uses empathy stating his wife feels inadequate
- She rejects the “active listening crap”
- Raymond:
Example of effective active listening:
Video: Leadership Training - Active Listening (2:21)
Narrator: In contrast to the roadblocks, active listening encourages the other person, who has the problem, to say more about it. Active listening is an empathic way of reflecting back both the words and feelings the troubled person has expressed to see if you have understood correctly. Notice the change in Rebecca now that she has learned to active listen.
Rebecca: Hi, what's going on?
Man: Oh nothing you want to hear about.
Rebecca: Not having a good day huh?
Man: yeah you know that licensing deal I've been working with? that San Diego company? I was super gung-ho about it, thought it was gonna be a good opportunity, but now I'm just not so sure.
Rebecca: You know it's just one of those...
Rebecca's thoughts: oh okay, hold on Rebecca, you can do better than that. Remember the window. Okay, he's the one with the problem right now so...
Rebecca: So you were feeling really excited about it and now you're having second thoughts?
Man: Yeah I mean, you know, I've done tons of these deals and sometimes it takes a week, maybe a couple of weeks, a month at the most, but this is just ridiculous.
Rebecca: So you're not used to having negotiations dragged on like this?
Man: Yeah, yeah, you know, we were pretty close to signing a deal couple times and then they'd ask for another concession, and then we met him more than halfway. Then I get an email this morning and they want to push back the signing until I don't know, the end of the year. You kidding me?
Rebecca: Yeah it sounds like you've given them as much as you can and now this is just too much to ask.
Man: Yeah, you know, I got a friend who works in the area too and he said he's surprised it's taking this long. Plus he said there's other companies who'd be interested in our product, so...
Rebecca: So you got another perspective?
Man: Yeah I think I've just been like too focused in on to trying to make this happen, and then I just lost sight of the big picture. So what I need to do is just develop more leads in the area.
Rebecca: Well it sounds like you're feeling ready to move on.
Man: Yeah, yeah, I think I am. Hey, thanks, thanks for the help.
Rebecca: You're welcome and keep me posted okay?
Yeah, will do.
Narrator: Active listening gives the other person a chance to express their feelings and to move from a superficial problem to the deeper, more basic problem. It keeps responsibility with the other person and allows them to find their own solution