PrintWordy sentences wreak havoc on writing. Wordy sentences typically have one of three problems; often, all three issues exist in the same sentence. These three problems are weak verbs, ponderous nouns, and strings of prepositional phrases.
1. Weak Verbs - 'to be' verbs and passive verbs
Rambling sentences usually possess either a form of the verb “to be” or a passive verb.
Examples included be, am, are, is, was, were, being, been
Wordy Example and Revision
Wordy example: More remote, less densely populated suburbs, whose lower values were often a function of how far they were from work centers, and small towns in rural locations, whose lower values were a reflection of the difficulty of earning a living, are likely to see considerable appreciation of their property values in the coming decades.
Revised: Rural and exurban property values should appreciate considerably in the coming decades as it becomes easier for people to earn a living in areas remote from work centers.
Wordy Example and Revision
Wordy example: There is a hasty way of writing that is counterpart to the hasty way of reading. It is becoming more common every year and raises less and less protest.
Revised: Hasty writing, like hasty reading, grows more common every year and raises less and less protest.
Notice how the revised sentence in both examples above is not only shorter, but makes a clearer, more distinct statement.
Passive verbs occur when the subject receives the action. Here, the subject (“ball”) receives the action (“is hit”) from the object (“boy”). As you can see, the sentence is wordier and the verb is lazier.
Wordy Example and Revision
Wordy example: The ball is hit by the boy.
Active verbs occur when the subject performs the action. In the following sentence, the subject (“boy”) performs the action (“hits”) on an object (“ball”):
Revised: The boy hits the ball.
Wordy Example and Revision
Wordy example: The shelter will be owned by the town, but it will be run by members of the humane society and [ will be ] supported , in part, by funds raised by them. The bulk of the operating funds, however, will be supplied by the town.
Revised: The town will own the shelter and [will] pay most of the operating expenses, but members of the humane society will run the facility and [will] provide additional support through fund raising.
The bracketed “will” words are optional.
2. Ponderous Nouns
Ponderous nouns end in the following extensions and are often coupled with a preposition:
tion, sion (e.g., possession of)
ment (e.g., disengagement from)
ence (e.g., inference that)
Using ponderous nouns adds many words to a sentence. Use of the ponderous nouns “graduation” and “employment” demonstrates that these nouns do not require a trailing preposition.
Wordy Example and Revision
Wordy example: The inference that, because high school graduates are more likely to be employed than dropouts, the differences may be attributed to the possession of a diploma is suspect because dropouts and graduates may differ in a variety of ways relevant to both graduation prospects and employment status.This sentence is not only half as long, but also much easier to understand.
Revised: It is not necessarily the diploma that makes high school graduates more employable than dropouts; other differences may affect both their education and their job prospects.3. Strings of Prepositional Phrases
Long strings of prepositional phrases are hard to read and tough to follow. Sometimes these long strings are difficult to circumvent, but mostly they are avoidable. A good rule of thumb is to consider revising the sentence any time there are more than three propositional phrases in a row.
The following sentence has too many prepositional phrases [which are bracketed to make them easy to find]:
Wordy Example and Revision
Wordy example: The more reasoned analysis made [by the Saint-Simonians] [of the nature] [of the new power situation] [in France] and [of the reasons] the present government could not satisfy the needs [of the people] was confirmed [by these developments].”The sentence possesses seven prepositional phrases with four in a row. Revising it produces a much shorter and clearer sentence:
Revised: These developments confirmed the Saint-Simonians’ more reasoned analysis of France’s new power situation and of the present government’s inability to satisfy the people’s needs.The revised version only has two prepositional phrases with no successive ones. Note that the sentence uses two possessives (“Saint-Simonians’” and “France’s”) as a way to avoid using prepositions.
Birds of a Feather Flock Together
Weak verbs (“to be” verbs and passive voice), ponderous nouns, and strings of prepositional phrases tend to work together to produce wordy sentences. These sentence structures are of Latin origin and are therefore commonly used in Spanish, French, Italian, Portuguese and other Romance languages. In contrast, English is a more dynamic language based on active voice, which decreases the use of all three components of wordy sentences. That is the main reason English writing experts recommend using active voice over passive voice.
The following sentences are the examples used to present specific factors driving wordiness earlier in this writing symposium. This time, the sentences highlight all causes of wordiness.
The color keys are:
- overuse of “to be” = red;
- passive verbs = green;
- ponderous nouns = blue; and
- prepositional phrases = purple;
Note that each sentence possesses two or more of these factors and consequently displays considerable color, therefore suggesting that wordy sentences have common roots.
Overuse of “to be”
More remote, less densely populated suburbs, whose lower values were often a function of how far they were from work centers, and small towns in rural locations, whose lower values were a reflection of the difficulty of earning a living, are likely to see considerable appreciation of their property values in the coming decades.
Passive Verbs
The shelter will be owned by the town, but it will be run by members of the humane society and [will be] supported, in part, by funds raised by them. The bulk of the operating funds, however, will be supplied by the town.
Ponderous Nouns
The inference that because high school graduates are more likely to be employed than dropouts, the differences may be attributed to the possession of a diploma is suspect because dropouts and graduates may differ in a variety of ways relevant to both graduation prospects and employment status.
Strings of Prepositional Phrases
The more reasoned analysis made by the Saint-Simonians of the nature of the new power situation in France and of the reasons the present government could not satisfy the needs of the people was confirmed by these developments.
* This material is drawn from: Cook, Claire K. (1985). Line by Line: How To Edit Your Own Writing. Houghton Mifflin Co., Boston.